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How are you even alive?!

yoshis islandThis is a question I’ve been asked a few times… and who can blame hese people I mean look at me I’m a mess! Right now I have: Strep throat, uncontrolled rheumatoid arthritis, latent tuberculosis, am recovering from a severe car accident, immune deficiency [before I even took immune suppressants], migraines, severe anemia, benign tremors, potential fibromialgia, and a shoulder that keeps just falling out of socket. Sometimes I think I should just apply for disability and check out of life, but that’s just not me. Anytime I hear someone complain about the minor things in their lives part of me wants to yell “It’s not that bad! Be grateful for what you have!”. Most of what I wanted to do in life has been taken from me: joining the army, being an artist [my hands still don’t really work], being a doctor… every plan I’ve ever had has been shot to hell. It’s as if life is saying “stay down! Don’t try to get up!” and I’m sick of it. I like to think I’ve had a pretty good attitude about this whole mess but these last few days I’ve had to be in bed because my body crapped out on me and because of it I haven’t been able to participate in recruitment events. My sorority sisters keep asking if I’m feeling better and it’s not like I can just say “no, I’ll never feel better but thanks for asking”. Hell the whole world asks the question “when will you be better?” what if there isn’t a better, what if this is as good as it gets? My own rheumatologist seems shocked that the medications aren’t working I’ve been in treatment for 2 YEARS! How long can this possibly take?! I wish I could end on a more uplifting note but it’d just not been that kind of week.

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