This is an old journal entry that I found in one of my sketchbooks from high school. It was written in early november of last year right around the time I was have my first MAJOR flare and didn’t know what was happening. I feel like this entry shows what it feels like to have RA and not understand (it’s a little stream of thought like because of the level of pain i was in at the time). Most people have little insight into the mind of the chronically ill so here’s a peak.
“Will it ever stop hurting? not my heart or my mind, but my body. Constant pain. some days it’s better and I can pretend everything’s fine, others every part of me is filled with dull aches and sharp pains. The pills only help so much and I run out to fast. The only hide the pain not cure it. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all in my head. It can’t be though, to many visible signs… the doctors don’t know whats wrong with me and just keep sending me home. I need help. It hurts, it’s making me miserable and angry. Why would God give a 17 year old girl chronic pain? What great sin have I committed that has warranted such punishment? Living with whatever this is, is taking it’s toll on me. My family and Drew don’t even understand the full extent of the pain. I can’t function properly but try my best. I need help. I need a diagnosis so I know what I’m fighting. God please. Help me not hurt like this anymore.”
1 1/2 months after this was written I was officially diagnosed with RA.